I think mean things.

I am a generally nice person.  I like making people happy, and there is very little that I wouldn't do to help someone out.  That being said, I am also sarcastic and a bit pragmatic, with a little bit of genetic short-temperedness thrown in on occasion.  These qualities may seem like faults, but, properly harnessed, they are actually the superpowers of the moderately insecure.  You see... good, nice people will tell you that each person is perfect in their own way, and that we shouldn't judge those around us, and that everyone is beautiful... and so on.  To this, I say, "Yeah, right." 

I have found it to be a good exercise to occasionally recognize the faults of others.  Particularly, of the "beautiful people."  Now, this may seem shallow, mean, and self-serving... but that's only because it is.  However, it is also a helpful tool for remembering that nobody is perfect.  I happen to be chubby... but at least I don't have [tiny boobs, awful skin, a horrible mole].  Likewise, any girl who does have [tiny boobs, awful skin, a horrible mole] should be able to say to herself "Sure, that sucks... but at least I'm not fat." 

**Keywords: "to herself" - This goes from being a harmless confidence booster to outright assholeishness when you start directing such comments to the outside world.  Don't make that leap... unless it's warranted.  In that case, all bets are off.**

Want to see how it works?  Ok, follow along...

It is easy to be jealous of someone that looks like this:

But why should you not be jealous of Megan Fox?  Three reasons:

1.)  No human being should be this attractive.  Therefore the only logical explanation is that Megan Fox is a cyborg.  No one wants to be a cyborg.

2.)  Megan Fox wears an awful lot of makeup, and occasionally it ends up looking like this:

... which is funny because I always imagined that "hooker Barbie" would retain the blonde hair.

3.)  What the.....?????


At least I don't have brachydactylic toe-thumbs.  ;)